Why breakups should be seen as a positive milestone

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Going through a breakup (mutual or one way), will most likely be the hardest thing you go through, other than experiencing death, or someone taking that one curly fry that was in a batch of normal fries. Experiencing a break up is like the shittiest roller coaster you will be ever on (channelling my own valley girl)...it'll mostly be you crying and feeling depressed, and the second you feel better, you're back crying again. As difficult as it may be to realise, going through a break up may be one of those milestones that you should actually embrace.

By the time you think "fuck, this isn't working out", there's probably a good reason for it. It's definitely OK to fight those feelings, but if it becomes an ongoing thing, maybe it's time to have a heart to heart talk. Maybe you've had that talk, and the other person isn't getting it, maybe then it's time to look at your words. Chances are at this point, you've gone back and forth so much that you're both exhausted and unhappy with the results... it doesn't mean you don't love each other, but maybe at this point it's time to break up.

You love that person with everything you have, plus everything you don't have. You've put every bit of you in to make it work, but it isn't working out. I've learned from my experiences that disappointment is a cruel feeling, especially when you grew up to believe in fairy-tales (Fairy-tales suck). At first you're disappointed in yourself, maybe you could have done more, maybe you should have skipped work and responsibilities to spend more time with them, maybe you should have sacrificed yourself to the gods to make the relationship work. Chances are, if you're reading this, you're also looking to find a resolution for your own turmoil, which in itself is a sign. Chances are, you did do a lot, and probably more than some people deserve...but that's my opinion.

Question, do you think your ex-significant other feels the same? Remember a relationship is a two way street, and you can only give so much until you become resentful for not getting anything back. When you think you did "enough", you probably didn't do very much then. What you did was set your own bar, which is perfectly fine, but a relationship requires an endless pit of work, and so if you felt you did "enough" you need to check yourself...

You're probably wondering, when the fuck are you going to get to the positive shit... hold your fucking horses I'm getting there.

As much as you will always love that person, do you really want to be with someone where you're feeling sad, inadequate, alone, unloved? No... no normal person would. I always thought marriage would be the answer to my problems, I have no fucking idea why, because if you two aren't marriage material now, you won't be after. This goes for you ladies who think a baby is going to magically make your man suddenly more dedicated... maybe it will but it's an 18 year band aid. When you realise this, not only is it the beginning of your recovery, but you become thankful for the break up.

Maybe you haven't broken up yet, but you've been finding more reasons to break up, and you've even had that heart to heart talk but nothing changes... at this point there's probably a deeper rooted issue, and no I'm not talking about cheating. Emotional baggage is a real thing, heavy, and it can go both ways... that or you two simply changed and therefore your needs changed too. If there is still a will to make this work, then I really suggest counselling, maybe just for yourself, maybe just for your partner, and perhaps even together. Having a professional be able to break down your words and meaning could be the life or death answer to your relationship. It can be expensive, but it's worth looking into... are you really going to cheap out on your relationship? Are you really going to not do everything you can because of the cost?

Oh yes, why breakups should be seen as a positive milestone. To be honest I'm not quite there yet, but I'm getting close. I went through two and a half months of crying, depression, raw puffy eyes, with intense anxiety attacks EVERY SINGLE DAY at work and at home. My depression was so deep that it felt like something was suffocating me. It got to the point where I saw no way out, and I started having thoughts of taking my own life. It was at that point that I started counselling. I didn't tell my counsellor anything new that I didn't tell my best friend, but hearing someone you don't know say "I understand" and having someone be able to explain why you're having these feelings, makes a good starting point in healing. I'm now having fewer bad days, and more good ones... don't get me wrong there are days that I just want to cry, but they are fewer these days.

Once I finally accepted the situation and started recovering, I noticed a few things. I lost a significant amount of weight, I started eating better, working out more, my creative juices were developing again, I made new friends, and more importantly I found a reason to keep living... actually even more important is that I stopped looking to my ex- partner for validation on my own happiness. Don't get me wrong, I'll still have bouts of sadness and loneliness, but the voices are a lot less significant than they were before. Some of us are better than others when it comes to ignoring those voices, I just see it as a scale of how much you cared for that person, and a reflection of your desires to make it work.

For you, if you just experienced a break up... I'm sorry.. it totally sucks eh? I promise that your problem is not unique, seek a professional counsellor to help you figure out your thoughts, writing in a journal isn't enough, because you'll end up writing rambles like that one you're reading right now. If you find that your counsellor sucks, look for another one, then another one, then another one until it feels right. It looks bleak now, but I promise that it will get better in time, and you'll see that breaking up was the best milestone of your life and maybe even for that person (at least that's what I'm hoping for).

Here are a few things that will help you recover

- Accept the situation, allow yourself to cry, get angry and grieve.
- Avoid social media. (wish I did this but I totally didn't)
- Reach out to someone you trust.
- Get counselling, even if you think you're fine. Especially if you think you're fine.
- Read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson
- Select a new activity and get really into it, for me it was/is the Velodrome

Hope this helps.

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